The older I get

I can remember all the way back to when I was a little girl, I always had so many questions about life.  I never understood anything.  Now as an adult I find myself with more questions than I had when I was younger.  I just dont understand the way the world goes around anymore.  I have always had such a big heart, I have always been that one person who tries to see the good in everyone no matter what.   I guess you could say that has been a downfall of mine for such a long long time, it hasnt done anything but cause me such heartache, pain, and loss.  It seems to me anymore that people who want to be around you expect you to be who they want you to be, not too many people are very accepting of who you really are, they may tell you that they love for you for you and they may actually feel that way until what you believe and feel goes against what they believe and feel and then at that very moment they are ready to write you completely off.  You're never good enough, you dont dress like you should, talk like you should or think like you should.  I have had this come at me from so many different angles lately and honestly it has made me give up hope that there are any real people out there who really honestly accept people for who they are. It's very sad to me, I just think the world would be so much better if we all accepted who we really are but more so if we would all accept the people we say we care about for who they really are.  This is what we are teaching our children and its not just today, I grew up with it also, I always had a pretty face but was to heavy, or I never fit in because I couldnt wear a certain type of clothing, My family didnt have a lot of money and of course I was judged for that....and so on.  I dont want my children to grow up thinking that this is how things are suppossed to be.  At this very moment they are starting to go through all of this and it bothers me so badly and I only hope that I can undo the effects of it all for them. 

The beauty of spring

I have always said that summer is my most favorite time of year but lately I have found myself more drawn to spring.  I love to see Gods creation come back to life after hibernating in the cold and under the snow that sometimes falls.  This is when I really notice all of the beauty that surrounds me.  One day you look and the trees are bare and there are no flowers in bloom and the world just seems so cold, colorless and quiet  then all of a sudden you wake up one day and see it all coming to life with such amazing beauty.  It's almost hypnotizing to me and I could sit for hours doing nothing but gazing out at the wonder of it all while listening to the birds singing their beautiful spring song. It reminds me that no matter how dark and cold life may get at times there is always something beautiful, ready to come to life right around the corner and if you blink too many times you will miss it...it happens that quick.  I dont want to live with my eyes closed waiting for the cold and the darkness to pass I want to always live with my eyes wide open so that I dont miss one single thing that God has in store for me.

Today I feel like an idiot!!

Have you ever put so much faith and belief in someone else that you lost a little bit of yourself?  That's exactly how I feel today.  I put faith and belief in someone over and over again, hoping and praying for change but after 13 months I have finally come to terms with the fact that that change will never take place.  I feel so very stupid.  I have let my kids suffer and do without and I myself have suffered, No matter how badly we all hurt I still put him first.   Others tried to warn me but did I listen?..no...I didn't.  I guess it's one of those things you have to see for yourself.  It hasn't mattered that I have lost everything because of this person, I still felt love for him in my heart and I believed that what I was showing him was a love that would pull him out of the mess he had made but I was so wrong.  It just went on and on....late night conversations...daily conversations...all with me telling him everything would be OK while deep inside things for me were not OK.  He said he would be there for me but looking back now I realize he hasn't been there for me at all...it was always him that needed to be lifted back up and I was the one who always tried to do just that.  Right now at this very time I am hurting so badly and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest yet once again by him but I think this is a time of rebirth for me, it's a time for me to finally open my eyes and see that what I need to do is take care of my kids and myself and let God do the rest.  It's hard not calling him to check on him but he made a decision, a decision he knew I was totally against, a decision that he knew was going to affect our relationship forever and he didn't care.  For the past 13 months he has put so many things before the kids and I...he has let us do without so he could do for another....he let us suffer but it didn't matter because in his eyes everything was OK and as long as he felt good then everyone felt good.  I have been so blind and so stupid.  I will never put this much into another human being, I am scarred and will always remember and be haunted by what he has done.  He ripped my entire world out from under me...he took everything I had dreamed of away except for my kids and that's the one thing no one can ever take from me.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of the way I have handled things but the only thing I can do now is pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward and not look back. It's a sad day for me because I know that it is truly the ending of part of my life. 

by Benny Ray Ratliff

IF  I  Go 
If I  go away tomorrow
Or leave this very day
There's nothing anyone can say
Just throw away the things I have
Forget what I like to do
No miracle man can perform
Will bring me back to you
Hold to the things you like to do
Put all my likes away
Don't tell yourself I'm still around
That I'll be back some day
For when you or I leave this earth
Which could be any time
Things we could have done, but didn't do
Will be fables, a form of lying
So now at this very present time
I'll just hold to what is true
And this is every little second
That I share and spend with you
I Love You.

We found this in my dads book of writings the night he passed away.  I took it as a sign from him for us to keep moving forward with life. 

I feel so lost without you

My daddy has always held a very special place in my heart.  I have always had a certain connection with him that I cant explain.  There are so many times, especially now that I realize that I am so much like him.  It's been almost 4 weeks since I had to say goodbye to him, I have to be honest and say that with all that I have been through in my life that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I watched him suffer with illness for several months but it actually felt like it was so much longer than that.  It broke my heart so badly to watch him go through everything that he had to go through and even though I know that he is no longer suffering and is at peace I cant help but feel a little bit angry that he was taken from us so soon.  It just doesnt seem right going on in my life without him.  I know that it was God who called him home and I will see him again someday but it doesnt change the fact that I miss him so much.  I miss his craziness....the silly voices he would use, the crazy things he would say, the way he was very blunt about everything, the way he would call me "sissy", the way he always seemed to be so grouchy :o),....I just miss everything about him. 

It's weird how you watch someone you love pass away and you think that life just cant go on but with each day that passes you see how everyone has gone back to the normal routine of things almost like it never happened.  I find myself haunted most of the time, day dreaming of days gone by.  I keep most of it locked up inside of me because I have always been "strong" and thats how everyone knows me and I it's hard to let anyone see any different.  Honestly right now what I want to do is scream and cry.  My heart feels so broken and empty.  There have been so many times when I have wanted to pick up the phone to check on him or sit and talk with him about the things we always talked about it. 

I remember growing up how I would always turn to him with my problems and he would always tell me how things would be even before they happened.  Some how daddy always knew how to make everything ok. In my eyes my daddy could fix anything and even as an adult if something broke the first person I would call was my him and he would come right over and fix it.

   I have so many regrets, I regret the fact that I let life come between us in a sense, as I grew up and started a family of my own it seemed I had less and less time with him and there is noone to blame but myself.  I wish I could just go back and have just a little more time, but time is not something that we can get back.   I wish I could talk to him and tell him just how much I loved him.  I wonder everday if that is something that he knew and my only hope is that he knew this in his heart before he passed. 

His memory will live on forever with me and in my kids, they all have some sort of talent that reminds me of him and they all learned so much from him. 

He was an amazing man who touched so many people in his time.  I miss him more with everyday that passes.  I never ever in my life thought I would lose him this soon and my heart is so very broken.  I do find peace knowing where he is....he is in the arms of God and he is waiting for him family to join him when God decides its time for each of us to come home.  Until then I carry him with me everywhere I go. 

I miss you daddy!!!!!!!

My promise to my kids

As I think of the past 12 months I am so totally amazed at what all I have gone through and survived.  What amazes me more is the fact that I have taken my children along this roller coaster ride with me and they have survived as well.  Kids are so much stronger than we give them credit for and I know now that there is so much we can learn from them if we will just give them the chance to teach us.  The biggest thing I have learned from my kids is faith....to have the faith of a child would be such an awesome thing to me and that is now what I am now striving for after all of these years. It doesn't matter what we put them through they still seem to be able to hold onto a belief that the world is OK and will continue to be that way.  They love the ones who hurt them, they forgive with no question, they hold onto themselves and who they truly are...they are truly wonderful little people. I have found myself questioning myself as a parent a lot lately, my kids and I have been through so much "hell" in the past 12 months and where we have ended up for the moment is not at all where I thought we would be and in a sense I feel as if I have failed them.  I am not perfect and they love me and accept that in me but I have failed to lead them by showing them how the love of God truly works.  I want my kids to grow up and be happy to say that everything they learned in life they learned from me.  Life gets crazy and chaotic and sometimes it takes us by surprise and sometimes the way we handle things is not the way they should be handled, we need to learn to lean on God more and less on people.  It's good to have friends and I'm proud to say that I have some very good friends who are so dear to me but when it comes down to  it the very first thing in our lives should be God.  I am now...today...making a vow to myself and my kids to be a better mom and to try my best to set the right example for them. 
 I found this little  writing that I am sharing on someones blog...I didn't write it but it sums up how I feel right now. I hope you get as much out of it as I did when I read it. 


     I will put my time with the Lord before the TV, the radio and even before good Christian books, for my children will know my priorities by the way they see me spend my free time.
     I will make prayer requests known before God and my children, enlisting their help in the process and informing them of the outcome, for by letting them help when I petition our Lord they will learn of a living God who still answers prayer.
     When times of crisis, conflict or confusion arise, I will hit my knees before I hit the phone knowing that by my example my children will discover that although friends are important, God alone is the one who holds the solution to life's every problem.
     I will erase the words "luck" and "lucky" from my vocabulary and will instead by my speech point my children toward the One who orchestrates every detail of our lives and brings all good things to pass, for by this my children will learn of an omniscient God.
     When bad things happen, I'll neither grumble nor complain, but will instead help my children see that in the scope of our lives even the bad times are allowed for a reason, for by this my children will learn quiet trust in their Maker.
     When normal childhood mishaps occur, I will remember that although difficult, it is still easier to remove grape juice from off white carpet than to erase harsh and unloving words hurled at a child whose chubby little fingers have failed her, for by this my children will see a God who understands when our best efforts fall short.
     When my children have witnessed something ugly in me - unkind words, an angry temper, "harmless" gossip, biting sarcasm or even my infamous "mommy pout" when things don't go my way -I will confess it as sin before them seeking their forgiveness, for by this my children will develop the much needed habit of wiping their spiritual slate clean before God and man.
      I will teach my children the importance of cleanliness and order while at the same time remain
sensitive to the fact that a skinned knee or hurt feeling is more crucial than a spotless floor or uncluttered counter, for by this my children will learn to value people above things.
      I will make time for the lonely, the sick, the elderly, the difficult to love, and will bring my children along, for with each afternoon visit, each ride to the doctor, each raked lawn or washed window they will have the opportunity to serve Jesus by serving the "least of these".
      I will make our home a haven of rest and retreat from the outside world and a welcomed place for my children's friends, for with each impromptu backyard soccer game, each video viewed on a rainy day, each cup of hot cocoa or chocolate chip cookie, my children will have the opportunity to practice the art of Christian hospitality thereby learning to share all God has given them.
      I will by my actions and speech let my children see a mom love their dad, for by this will my children sense family stability at a time when marriages all around them are crumbling.

Hold my heart

This song has a very special meaning to me.  It sums up perfectly how I have felt for so long.  I know that God is holding my heart and I know that in his time all of it will finally make sense.  He has a bigger plan for me than what I have for myself and he holds my destiny in his hands.  I just have to continue to be patient and learn to wait on him.  

How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait
for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm
on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You
turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of
pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking
heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're
everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my
heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip
away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking
why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my
knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping
rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the
sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can
barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and
hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises
remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To
hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea
of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking
heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're
everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my
heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

Song by my 8 year old daughter

My 8 year old daughter wrote this song on Monday January 10


Why Did You Leave me


Every thing was good that day
But then it went bad
It didnt make me feel that great
So I cried.


But I would change everything that happened that day
But why did you leave me like that
so this is me praying for the way out
But you think it's ok...it's not ok
But I just have one more question for you
Why did you leave me that way?


She sang it for me and it brought tears to my eyes.
My kids are so very very talented and I could never be more proud of anyone in my life.

Never give up

"So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up."........Galatians 6:9


I have been through so much in the past 10 months.  It's been a long and very hard journey for me, and even though there are times when I just want to throw in the towel and walk away I have made a promise that I will never ever give up.  I will keep moving forward.  My destiny is in Gods hands, not my hands and I have no control over what my future holds.  I may never understand why I have had to go through what I have gone through but I fully believe that there is a reason for it all.  For the first time in my life I am truly learning to lean on God and not myself, I am learning what it means to give it to him and when I dont know how to give it to him I simply ask him to take it from me and he does.  I have been so blessed in so many ways, every time something seems to fall apart God sends a blessing to get us through.  We may not have everything that we want but we have not been homeless or  hungry and we have not done without anything that we have needed. God is good and continues to provide for us and he covers us with so much grace and he has blessed us with some truly amazing people in our lives.  In his time everything will come together. 

2011

The holidays came and went and now we are in a new year.  Time just seems to be slipping by so very fast and sometimes I wish I could just make it slow down just a bit.  It's been almost 10 months since my family "changed" and we are still struggling with the same emotions that we struggled with 10 months ago.  I just keep wondering when it will ever get any easier.  I watch my little ones and sometimes I wish I could read their minds, and then there are times when I can just look at them and know exactly what they are thinking.  I have knocked down any boundaries that might have been there with our communication and now they finally know that no matter what they can come to me and talk and boy they have really done that lately.  My heart breaks for them.  I know the pain that I feel from losing my husband but I can not imagine what goes through their little minds when they think about their daddy.  How do you explain it to them, will they ever fully understand?  One day they have a normal family and then the next day there is no daddy, just like that, with no warning.  They don't see him often and they don't talk to him much at all and they often tell me they feel so lost.  What we had can never be brought back, our family is broken now and that is something that can never be fixed, it's sad, but things have gone way to far for that to happen.  So, now all I can do is try to do my best to make life as good as I can for them.  There are days when I know in my heart that I am doing the best that I can for them and then there are some days when I wonder if my best is really good enough. 
I pray so hard that God will give them the comfort and peace that they need to get through each day and I pray that they feel his loving arms wrap around them and hold them tight in those moments when they truly feel so lost and just need extra comfort.   
Things for us are still so up in the air, I knew it wouldn't get better over night, but I really do believe that God is a faithful God and everything that is happening is for a reason.
I am determined to make this year the best that I can, I am determined to allow God to work his will in our lives, I am determined to keep my faith and keep moving ahead.  I spend less time looking behind me now and maybe soon I wont look back at all. 

Moving Forward ?

I wish someone could tell me how to move forward with my life. How do I pick up these shattered pieces and put it all back together again. It's been almost 9 months since my world fell apart..shouldn't it all be easier by now? There are some days when I can carry on and smile but there are more days when I just feel like I should lock myself away. I lost the love of my life with no warning...BAM...it was done and there was no turning back. I had no say so in any of it, it hit me like a huge pile of bricks and it feels like those bricks are still right on top of me getting heavier with each day that passes. I thought I had my future all planned out, but now he's planing "my" future with someone else and no matter how much I lie about it or how big of a front I put on it still hurts as if it were yesterday. How can you just turn around and walk away? How do you get yourself in that mode of pretending like it never happened. We made 4 beautiful babies together, we made so many precious memories together, we made a life together so how? I can't get past asking myself that question every single day of my life. I could see it if things for us had ever been bad, but they were not. We were the best of friends and enjoyed everything we did together so why would you want to leave that to go off into something so uncertain to start all over again? I just can't make myself understand, if I could it may be so much easier for me to move on.
Every time I leave my house I'm haunted, every place I go and everything I do reminds me of the life, the love I have lost. Everywhere I turn there is some sort of memory. I see families together and my heart breaks because I long for those moments and I feel so bad for the kids because I know they long for the same thing. Will I ever truly get past this? Will I ever have love again? Will I ever allow myself to fall again? Will there ever be anyone who can fill this void in our lives? So many unanswered questions. So much pain. I just want to be happy again.

Mixed Orientation Marriages

This is a term that I was not familiar with until my husband came out to me. We didnt really tell anyone about his "coming out" immediately because we were not sure how people would react so we kept it all a secret.  This was very hard for me because at a time when I was losing my husband I couldnt really talk to anyone because it was all still so hush hush, I felt so alone,  so while he went out to "find himself' I stayed home and turned to the computer.  I started typing in things like "my husband is gay" and what to do when your husband comes out and you would be surprised at how many resources popped up.  It is actually much more common than you could ever imagine.  This is where I discovered it was given the term Mixed Orientation Marriages...which is actually defined as a marriage in which one spouse experiences same sex attractions and the other spouse is heterosexual.  I found support groups and forums and was just dumbfounded at how many people had actually gone through this same thing.  I was led to a site called straightspouse and this is where I learned that I was not as alone as I thought I was.  I read over every single post and every response and paid close attention to every single emotion that was mentioned.  It really helped me get prepared for what was to come.  As I read for days I noticed a pattern, it seems that every spouse that comes out of the closet basically goes through the same phases...the coming out phase...the adolescent phase (which is exactly how it sounds)....and then the I want to get settled phase.  It was almost scarey to see just how many posts there were and how similar they all were.  It was a realization to the fact that so many people live life trying to hide who they really are because of the way the world we live in is.  This is something I will never understand.
I can tell you that the emotions that hit me the following days felt like a huge tornado..  I went from happy to angry to sad to numb in just a matter of minutes at times.  I felt emotions that I could not even begin to explain to anyone and it was so exhausting.  I felt as though I was in a grieving process and I guess I was, my marriage was dead and could never be brought back.  The pain was just so intense at times that I honestly felt like I couldnt breathe.  I really cant say how I made it through but I did and I did it with a determination to keep my family as together as possible. 
I still love my "husband" or STBX very much, he was my best friend for 11 years, he was my heart and he was all I knew so I could not turn my back on him.
This has not been a easy process for him (and from reading that is also normal also), when a spouse comes out most of the time its not as easy for them to enter into the world that they feel they should be living in and it comes with just as much confusion and pain as living "in the closet" does.  I have maintained a friendship with him up to this point, I have tried my best to be there for him as I always have.  I have seen him go through so much and at times my heart has broke for him, I just cant turn that love for him off.  Everything about the way we have handled this up til now has been so "out of the box" but honestly our entire marriage has been "out of the box".  We've always been kind of different with the way we have done everything.  I dont hate him, I hate what has happened ....but not him.  I hold so many precious memories in my heart of our life together as husband and wife and we created the most beautiful children I could've ever ask for.  Even though I am losing him I have gained so very much. 
So many people ask me how I do this, how I handle things the way I do.  All I can say is I have learned more about strength and faith in the past 7 months then I have my entire life.  I know that everything happens for a reason and even though I may not know that reason right now I know that God has something else planned for me.  I have no regrets and if given the chance I would go back and do it all over again, I would relive every single moment. 
Do I wish this would've never happened?  Absolutely...everything I thought I had planned out for my life has been completely jumbled and tossed about but there is nothing that I can do about it....except keep living and accept what has happened and also accept whats to come.  

Family?

Every morning I basically follow the same routine.  I get my kids up for school, help them pick out their clothes, do a load of laundry, get their bags together and get them out the door. Every morning I drive them to school and every morning I pass familys, together, walking their kids to school and every morning I end up in tears.  This is the hardest part of all of this, I miss my family.  We used to do things together, we used to enjoy each other and now its completely gone.  How do I get past this?  How do I pick these pieces up and move forward?  The kids wish for it every day and I find them bringing up the past more and more.  They like to talk about good times that we have all had together and I figure its just their way of dealing with all of this change.  It's so hard and I just wonder if I will ever completely heal from losing what I thought I would have forever?  I feel as though my heart has been broken into millions of little pieces, my life has been shattered.  I never pictured myself as a single mom but reality sure hits hard when it hits doesnt it? 
 

The "coming out"

March 13, 2010 was a Saturday...a normal Saturday in our household...Or so I thought?  Well....it turned out to be a total night from hell and I relive that night every single day.  I can not even begin to explain it and like I have said before, until you live this one moment you can never fully know exactly what if feels like and honestly I would never wish these feelings on anyone. 
This is the night my husband decided to "come out" to me.  He told me that after all this time he figured out why he wasnt attracted to me anymore...it was because he was gay.  When he told me I just sat there, no emotions at all, I just sat there.  The question that I get asked the most is "didnt you have some clue through all these years?" and honestly?.. yes I did, but it was just a small thought in the back of my head.  From the day we met we had a normal relationship, we dated and fell in love and did all of the things  people in love do.  Im not kidding when I say everything was normal...EVERYTHING!!  We married and started a family.  We spent all of our time together and we barely ever really had a disagreement and anything we did we enjoyed together, so you see I really honestly thought that this day would never come.  I thought we would grow old together, I thought that we would watch our babies grow up together, I thought that we would always be that "happy" family.  We always talked about the future and what it held for us and never once did it include breaking up our family.  So....this night was a total shocker for me. 
The first thing in my mind was " ok, now we know you are gay but are you willing to stay committed to the family or do you need to go out and explore this new found lifestyle?".  I was prepared to do anything at the time to keep my family together.  My biggest concern was my kids getting hurt and as a mother all I wanted to do was protect them.  Well...he made his choice and he immediately went out to explore this new identity and left me to try and figure everything else out.  I still love him very much but with each passing day I begin to realize that after all this time of thinking I knew him I really dont know if I know him at all.  He becomes more and more of a stranger everyday.  It hurts but after 7 months I know its time to really fully let go and move on with my life and quit trying to hold on to what little peice of him that I can.  Thats exactly what I have tried to do...keep just a small piece of him around.  I thought that would keep me content but I feel like small chunk of that piece breaks off more and more everyday and I am so close to losing him completely.  I just have to let him go and let him be happy and figure out what the future holds for the me and the kids.  I just wish it were easier, some magic answer to it all but theres not and thats just something I have to deal with. 
 

Thought to Ponder

For just one second, take a step back and think about this question.  What would you do if your spouse came to you and told you they no longer felt attracted to you because they were gay?  How would you handle this?  Is this something you are truly ever ready for?  I always told myself that if my husband left me that I would much rather it be for another man than a woman...but you know what?  Either way it doesn't make it any easier at all.  It hurts just as bad.  I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  11 years of marriage, of trust, of love, of building a family and a life...all for what?  So he could just walk away because he decided he was living a lie.  How is it a lie if he was happy?  We were happy. 
I try so hard to make myself understand, I try to remember that God is the one that is in control of my destiny but it's so very hard to hold onto faith when you feel everyday is just another day to try and make it.  I have found strength I never ever thought I could've had but I have drawn that strength from my babies.  They are my life and they have lost something that is so very dear to them. 
There are moments when I feel that I am at piece with this and then there are moments that I feel as if I am reliving the same nightmare all over again.  Can I do this?  Sometimes I feel...yes I can but some days I'm just not so sure. 

Change

The year 2010 is the year that my families life was altered for forever.  Every dream, every hope and every plan I had ever made about my future was completely  shattered.  I am still picking up the pieces and trying my best to put them back together but up til this point it hasn't been easy.  This is when I wish there were some sort of button I could push just to make everything OK.  I feel like through everything I have been through this year I have been broken down, but broken down with a purpose, a purpose to be built back up and made strong enough to share everything I have been through with the hopes of helping someone like myself.  I am not a professional writer and I am not a counselor but I am someone who has been dealt a hard blow and who has made it through so far and is still moving forward.  I still don't know what God himself has planned for my life but I'm holding onto faith and hope that he will soon see fit to lead me in the direction that he would have me to go.  I have been broken but broken with a purpose and even though I still don't know what that purpose is I'm sure in the end it will be something totally beautiful...