Hold my heart

This song has a very special meaning to me.  It sums up perfectly how I have felt for so long.  I know that God is holding my heart and I know that in his time all of it will finally make sense.  He has a bigger plan for me than what I have for myself and he holds my destiny in his hands.  I just have to continue to be patient and learn to wait on him.  

How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait
for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm
on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You
turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of
pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking
heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're
everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my
heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip
away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking
why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my
knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping
rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the
sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can
barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and
hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises
remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To
hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea
of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking
heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're
everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my
heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

Song by my 8 year old daughter

My 8 year old daughter wrote this song on Monday January 10


Why Did You Leave me


Every thing was good that day
But then it went bad
It didnt make me feel that great
So I cried.


But I would change everything that happened that day
But why did you leave me like that
so this is me praying for the way out
But you think it's ok...it's not ok
But I just have one more question for you
Why did you leave me that way?


She sang it for me and it brought tears to my eyes.
My kids are so very very talented and I could never be more proud of anyone in my life.

Never give up

"So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up."........Galatians 6:9


I have been through so much in the past 10 months.  It's been a long and very hard journey for me, and even though there are times when I just want to throw in the towel and walk away I have made a promise that I will never ever give up.  I will keep moving forward.  My destiny is in Gods hands, not my hands and I have no control over what my future holds.  I may never understand why I have had to go through what I have gone through but I fully believe that there is a reason for it all.  For the first time in my life I am truly learning to lean on God and not myself, I am learning what it means to give it to him and when I dont know how to give it to him I simply ask him to take it from me and he does.  I have been so blessed in so many ways, every time something seems to fall apart God sends a blessing to get us through.  We may not have everything that we want but we have not been homeless or  hungry and we have not done without anything that we have needed. God is good and continues to provide for us and he covers us with so much grace and he has blessed us with some truly amazing people in our lives.  In his time everything will come together. 

2011

The holidays came and went and now we are in a new year.  Time just seems to be slipping by so very fast and sometimes I wish I could just make it slow down just a bit.  It's been almost 10 months since my family "changed" and we are still struggling with the same emotions that we struggled with 10 months ago.  I just keep wondering when it will ever get any easier.  I watch my little ones and sometimes I wish I could read their minds, and then there are times when I can just look at them and know exactly what they are thinking.  I have knocked down any boundaries that might have been there with our communication and now they finally know that no matter what they can come to me and talk and boy they have really done that lately.  My heart breaks for them.  I know the pain that I feel from losing my husband but I can not imagine what goes through their little minds when they think about their daddy.  How do you explain it to them, will they ever fully understand?  One day they have a normal family and then the next day there is no daddy, just like that, with no warning.  They don't see him often and they don't talk to him much at all and they often tell me they feel so lost.  What we had can never be brought back, our family is broken now and that is something that can never be fixed, it's sad, but things have gone way to far for that to happen.  So, now all I can do is try to do my best to make life as good as I can for them.  There are days when I know in my heart that I am doing the best that I can for them and then there are some days when I wonder if my best is really good enough. 
I pray so hard that God will give them the comfort and peace that they need to get through each day and I pray that they feel his loving arms wrap around them and hold them tight in those moments when they truly feel so lost and just need extra comfort.   
Things for us are still so up in the air, I knew it wouldn't get better over night, but I really do believe that God is a faithful God and everything that is happening is for a reason.
I am determined to make this year the best that I can, I am determined to allow God to work his will in our lives, I am determined to keep my faith and keep moving ahead.  I spend less time looking behind me now and maybe soon I wont look back at all. 

Moving Forward ?

I wish someone could tell me how to move forward with my life. How do I pick up these shattered pieces and put it all back together again. It's been almost 9 months since my world fell apart..shouldn't it all be easier by now? There are some days when I can carry on and smile but there are more days when I just feel like I should lock myself away. I lost the love of my life with no warning...BAM...it was done and there was no turning back. I had no say so in any of it, it hit me like a huge pile of bricks and it feels like those bricks are still right on top of me getting heavier with each day that passes. I thought I had my future all planned out, but now he's planing "my" future with someone else and no matter how much I lie about it or how big of a front I put on it still hurts as if it were yesterday. How can you just turn around and walk away? How do you get yourself in that mode of pretending like it never happened. We made 4 beautiful babies together, we made so many precious memories together, we made a life together so how? I can't get past asking myself that question every single day of my life. I could see it if things for us had ever been bad, but they were not. We were the best of friends and enjoyed everything we did together so why would you want to leave that to go off into something so uncertain to start all over again? I just can't make myself understand, if I could it may be so much easier for me to move on.
Every time I leave my house I'm haunted, every place I go and everything I do reminds me of the life, the love I have lost. Everywhere I turn there is some sort of memory. I see families together and my heart breaks because I long for those moments and I feel so bad for the kids because I know they long for the same thing. Will I ever truly get past this? Will I ever have love again? Will I ever allow myself to fall again? Will there ever be anyone who can fill this void in our lives? So many unanswered questions. So much pain. I just want to be happy again.

Mixed Orientation Marriages

This is a term that I was not familiar with until my husband came out to me. We didnt really tell anyone about his "coming out" immediately because we were not sure how people would react so we kept it all a secret.  This was very hard for me because at a time when I was losing my husband I couldnt really talk to anyone because it was all still so hush hush, I felt so alone,  so while he went out to "find himself' I stayed home and turned to the computer.  I started typing in things like "my husband is gay" and what to do when your husband comes out and you would be surprised at how many resources popped up.  It is actually much more common than you could ever imagine.  This is where I discovered it was given the term Mixed Orientation Marriages...which is actually defined as a marriage in which one spouse experiences same sex attractions and the other spouse is heterosexual.  I found support groups and forums and was just dumbfounded at how many people had actually gone through this same thing.  I was led to a site called straightspouse and this is where I learned that I was not as alone as I thought I was.  I read over every single post and every response and paid close attention to every single emotion that was mentioned.  It really helped me get prepared for what was to come.  As I read for days I noticed a pattern, it seems that every spouse that comes out of the closet basically goes through the same phases...the coming out phase...the adolescent phase (which is exactly how it sounds)....and then the I want to get settled phase.  It was almost scarey to see just how many posts there were and how similar they all were.  It was a realization to the fact that so many people live life trying to hide who they really are because of the way the world we live in is.  This is something I will never understand.
I can tell you that the emotions that hit me the following days felt like a huge tornado..  I went from happy to angry to sad to numb in just a matter of minutes at times.  I felt emotions that I could not even begin to explain to anyone and it was so exhausting.  I felt as though I was in a grieving process and I guess I was, my marriage was dead and could never be brought back.  The pain was just so intense at times that I honestly felt like I couldnt breathe.  I really cant say how I made it through but I did and I did it with a determination to keep my family as together as possible. 
I still love my "husband" or STBX very much, he was my best friend for 11 years, he was my heart and he was all I knew so I could not turn my back on him.
This has not been a easy process for him (and from reading that is also normal also), when a spouse comes out most of the time its not as easy for them to enter into the world that they feel they should be living in and it comes with just as much confusion and pain as living "in the closet" does.  I have maintained a friendship with him up to this point, I have tried my best to be there for him as I always have.  I have seen him go through so much and at times my heart has broke for him, I just cant turn that love for him off.  Everything about the way we have handled this up til now has been so "out of the box" but honestly our entire marriage has been "out of the box".  We've always been kind of different with the way we have done everything.  I dont hate him, I hate what has happened ....but not him.  I hold so many precious memories in my heart of our life together as husband and wife and we created the most beautiful children I could've ever ask for.  Even though I am losing him I have gained so very much. 
So many people ask me how I do this, how I handle things the way I do.  All I can say is I have learned more about strength and faith in the past 7 months then I have my entire life.  I know that everything happens for a reason and even though I may not know that reason right now I know that God has something else planned for me.  I have no regrets and if given the chance I would go back and do it all over again, I would relive every single moment. 
Do I wish this would've never happened?  Absolutely...everything I thought I had planned out for my life has been completely jumbled and tossed about but there is nothing that I can do about it....except keep living and accept what has happened and also accept whats to come.  

Family?

Every morning I basically follow the same routine.  I get my kids up for school, help them pick out their clothes, do a load of laundry, get their bags together and get them out the door. Every morning I drive them to school and every morning I pass familys, together, walking their kids to school and every morning I end up in tears.  This is the hardest part of all of this, I miss my family.  We used to do things together, we used to enjoy each other and now its completely gone.  How do I get past this?  How do I pick these pieces up and move forward?  The kids wish for it every day and I find them bringing up the past more and more.  They like to talk about good times that we have all had together and I figure its just their way of dealing with all of this change.  It's so hard and I just wonder if I will ever completely heal from losing what I thought I would have forever?  I feel as though my heart has been broken into millions of little pieces, my life has been shattered.  I never pictured myself as a single mom but reality sure hits hard when it hits doesnt it?