2011

The holidays came and went and now we are in a new year.  Time just seems to be slipping by so very fast and sometimes I wish I could just make it slow down just a bit.  It's been almost 10 months since my family "changed" and we are still struggling with the same emotions that we struggled with 10 months ago.  I just keep wondering when it will ever get any easier.  I watch my little ones and sometimes I wish I could read their minds, and then there are times when I can just look at them and know exactly what they are thinking.  I have knocked down any boundaries that might have been there with our communication and now they finally know that no matter what they can come to me and talk and boy they have really done that lately.  My heart breaks for them.  I know the pain that I feel from losing my husband but I can not imagine what goes through their little minds when they think about their daddy.  How do you explain it to them, will they ever fully understand?  One day they have a normal family and then the next day there is no daddy, just like that, with no warning.  They don't see him often and they don't talk to him much at all and they often tell me they feel so lost.  What we had can never be brought back, our family is broken now and that is something that can never be fixed, it's sad, but things have gone way to far for that to happen.  So, now all I can do is try to do my best to make life as good as I can for them.  There are days when I know in my heart that I am doing the best that I can for them and then there are some days when I wonder if my best is really good enough. 
I pray so hard that God will give them the comfort and peace that they need to get through each day and I pray that they feel his loving arms wrap around them and hold them tight in those moments when they truly feel so lost and just need extra comfort.   
Things for us are still so up in the air, I knew it wouldn't get better over night, but I really do believe that God is a faithful God and everything that is happening is for a reason.
I am determined to make this year the best that I can, I am determined to allow God to work his will in our lives, I am determined to keep my faith and keep moving ahead.  I spend less time looking behind me now and maybe soon I wont look back at all.