The older I get

I can remember all the way back to when I was a little girl, I always had so many questions about life.  I never understood anything.  Now as an adult I find myself with more questions than I had when I was younger.  I just dont understand the way the world goes around anymore.  I have always had such a big heart, I have always been that one person who tries to see the good in everyone no matter what.   I guess you could say that has been a downfall of mine for such a long long time, it hasnt done anything but cause me such heartache, pain, and loss.  It seems to me anymore that people who want to be around you expect you to be who they want you to be, not too many people are very accepting of who you really are, they may tell you that they love for you for you and they may actually feel that way until what you believe and feel goes against what they believe and feel and then at that very moment they are ready to write you completely off.  You're never good enough, you dont dress like you should, talk like you should or think like you should.  I have had this come at me from so many different angles lately and honestly it has made me give up hope that there are any real people out there who really honestly accept people for who they are. It's very sad to me, I just think the world would be so much better if we all accepted who we really are but more so if we would all accept the people we say we care about for who they really are.  This is what we are teaching our children and its not just today, I grew up with it also, I always had a pretty face but was to heavy, or I never fit in because I couldnt wear a certain type of clothing, My family didnt have a lot of money and of course I was judged for that....and so on.  I dont want my children to grow up thinking that this is how things are suppossed to be.  At this very moment they are starting to go through all of this and it bothers me so badly and I only hope that I can undo the effects of it all for them. 

The beauty of spring

I have always said that summer is my most favorite time of year but lately I have found myself more drawn to spring.  I love to see Gods creation come back to life after hibernating in the cold and under the snow that sometimes falls.  This is when I really notice all of the beauty that surrounds me.  One day you look and the trees are bare and there are no flowers in bloom and the world just seems so cold, colorless and quiet  then all of a sudden you wake up one day and see it all coming to life with such amazing beauty.  It's almost hypnotizing to me and I could sit for hours doing nothing but gazing out at the wonder of it all while listening to the birds singing their beautiful spring song. It reminds me that no matter how dark and cold life may get at times there is always something beautiful, ready to come to life right around the corner and if you blink too many times you will miss it...it happens that quick.  I dont want to live with my eyes closed waiting for the cold and the darkness to pass I want to always live with my eyes wide open so that I dont miss one single thing that God has in store for me.

Today I feel like an idiot!!

Have you ever put so much faith and belief in someone else that you lost a little bit of yourself?  That's exactly how I feel today.  I put faith and belief in someone over and over again, hoping and praying for change but after 13 months I have finally come to terms with the fact that that change will never take place.  I feel so very stupid.  I have let my kids suffer and do without and I myself have suffered, No matter how badly we all hurt I still put him first.   Others tried to warn me but did I listen?..no...I didn't.  I guess it's one of those things you have to see for yourself.  It hasn't mattered that I have lost everything because of this person, I still felt love for him in my heart and I believed that what I was showing him was a love that would pull him out of the mess he had made but I was so wrong.  It just went on and on....late night conversations...daily conversations...all with me telling him everything would be OK while deep inside things for me were not OK.  He said he would be there for me but looking back now I realize he hasn't been there for me at all...it was always him that needed to be lifted back up and I was the one who always tried to do just that.  Right now at this very time I am hurting so badly and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest yet once again by him but I think this is a time of rebirth for me, it's a time for me to finally open my eyes and see that what I need to do is take care of my kids and myself and let God do the rest.  It's hard not calling him to check on him but he made a decision, a decision he knew I was totally against, a decision that he knew was going to affect our relationship forever and he didn't care.  For the past 13 months he has put so many things before the kids and I...he has let us do without so he could do for another....he let us suffer but it didn't matter because in his eyes everything was OK and as long as he felt good then everyone felt good.  I have been so blind and so stupid.  I will never put this much into another human being, I am scarred and will always remember and be haunted by what he has done.  He ripped my entire world out from under me...he took everything I had dreamed of away except for my kids and that's the one thing no one can ever take from me.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of the way I have handled things but the only thing I can do now is pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward and not look back. It's a sad day for me because I know that it is truly the ending of part of my life. 

by Benny Ray Ratliff

IF  I  Go 
If I  go away tomorrow
Or leave this very day
There's nothing anyone can say
Just throw away the things I have
Forget what I like to do
No miracle man can perform
Will bring me back to you
Hold to the things you like to do
Put all my likes away
Don't tell yourself I'm still around
That I'll be back some day
For when you or I leave this earth
Which could be any time
Things we could have done, but didn't do
Will be fables, a form of lying
So now at this very present time
I'll just hold to what is true
And this is every little second
That I share and spend with you
I Love You.

We found this in my dads book of writings the night he passed away.  I took it as a sign from him for us to keep moving forward with life. 

I feel so lost without you

My daddy has always held a very special place in my heart.  I have always had a certain connection with him that I cant explain.  There are so many times, especially now that I realize that I am so much like him.  It's been almost 4 weeks since I had to say goodbye to him, I have to be honest and say that with all that I have been through in my life that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I watched him suffer with illness for several months but it actually felt like it was so much longer than that.  It broke my heart so badly to watch him go through everything that he had to go through and even though I know that he is no longer suffering and is at peace I cant help but feel a little bit angry that he was taken from us so soon.  It just doesnt seem right going on in my life without him.  I know that it was God who called him home and I will see him again someday but it doesnt change the fact that I miss him so much.  I miss his craziness....the silly voices he would use, the crazy things he would say, the way he was very blunt about everything, the way he would call me "sissy", the way he always seemed to be so grouchy :o),....I just miss everything about him. 

It's weird how you watch someone you love pass away and you think that life just cant go on but with each day that passes you see how everyone has gone back to the normal routine of things almost like it never happened.  I find myself haunted most of the time, day dreaming of days gone by.  I keep most of it locked up inside of me because I have always been "strong" and thats how everyone knows me and I it's hard to let anyone see any different.  Honestly right now what I want to do is scream and cry.  My heart feels so broken and empty.  There have been so many times when I have wanted to pick up the phone to check on him or sit and talk with him about the things we always talked about it. 

I remember growing up how I would always turn to him with my problems and he would always tell me how things would be even before they happened.  Some how daddy always knew how to make everything ok. In my eyes my daddy could fix anything and even as an adult if something broke the first person I would call was my him and he would come right over and fix it.

   I have so many regrets, I regret the fact that I let life come between us in a sense, as I grew up and started a family of my own it seemed I had less and less time with him and there is noone to blame but myself.  I wish I could just go back and have just a little more time, but time is not something that we can get back.   I wish I could talk to him and tell him just how much I loved him.  I wonder everday if that is something that he knew and my only hope is that he knew this in his heart before he passed. 

His memory will live on forever with me and in my kids, they all have some sort of talent that reminds me of him and they all learned so much from him. 

He was an amazing man who touched so many people in his time.  I miss him more with everyday that passes.  I never ever in my life thought I would lose him this soon and my heart is so very broken.  I do find peace knowing where he is....he is in the arms of God and he is waiting for him family to join him when God decides its time for each of us to come home.  Until then I carry him with me everywhere I go. 

I miss you daddy!!!!!!!

My promise to my kids

As I think of the past 12 months I am so totally amazed at what all I have gone through and survived.  What amazes me more is the fact that I have taken my children along this roller coaster ride with me and they have survived as well.  Kids are so much stronger than we give them credit for and I know now that there is so much we can learn from them if we will just give them the chance to teach us.  The biggest thing I have learned from my kids is faith....to have the faith of a child would be such an awesome thing to me and that is now what I am now striving for after all of these years. It doesn't matter what we put them through they still seem to be able to hold onto a belief that the world is OK and will continue to be that way.  They love the ones who hurt them, they forgive with no question, they hold onto themselves and who they truly are...they are truly wonderful little people. I have found myself questioning myself as a parent a lot lately, my kids and I have been through so much "hell" in the past 12 months and where we have ended up for the moment is not at all where I thought we would be and in a sense I feel as if I have failed them.  I am not perfect and they love me and accept that in me but I have failed to lead them by showing them how the love of God truly works.  I want my kids to grow up and be happy to say that everything they learned in life they learned from me.  Life gets crazy and chaotic and sometimes it takes us by surprise and sometimes the way we handle things is not the way they should be handled, we need to learn to lean on God more and less on people.  It's good to have friends and I'm proud to say that I have some very good friends who are so dear to me but when it comes down to  it the very first thing in our lives should be God.  I am now...today...making a vow to myself and my kids to be a better mom and to try my best to set the right example for them. 
 I found this little  writing that I am sharing on someones blog...I didn't write it but it sums up how I feel right now. I hope you get as much out of it as I did when I read it. 


     I will put my time with the Lord before the TV, the radio and even before good Christian books, for my children will know my priorities by the way they see me spend my free time.
     I will make prayer requests known before God and my children, enlisting their help in the process and informing them of the outcome, for by letting them help when I petition our Lord they will learn of a living God who still answers prayer.
     When times of crisis, conflict or confusion arise, I will hit my knees before I hit the phone knowing that by my example my children will discover that although friends are important, God alone is the one who holds the solution to life's every problem.
     I will erase the words "luck" and "lucky" from my vocabulary and will instead by my speech point my children toward the One who orchestrates every detail of our lives and brings all good things to pass, for by this my children will learn of an omniscient God.
     When bad things happen, I'll neither grumble nor complain, but will instead help my children see that in the scope of our lives even the bad times are allowed for a reason, for by this my children will learn quiet trust in their Maker.
     When normal childhood mishaps occur, I will remember that although difficult, it is still easier to remove grape juice from off white carpet than to erase harsh and unloving words hurled at a child whose chubby little fingers have failed her, for by this my children will see a God who understands when our best efforts fall short.
     When my children have witnessed something ugly in me - unkind words, an angry temper, "harmless" gossip, biting sarcasm or even my infamous "mommy pout" when things don't go my way -I will confess it as sin before them seeking their forgiveness, for by this my children will develop the much needed habit of wiping their spiritual slate clean before God and man.
      I will teach my children the importance of cleanliness and order while at the same time remain
sensitive to the fact that a skinned knee or hurt feeling is more crucial than a spotless floor or uncluttered counter, for by this my children will learn to value people above things.
      I will make time for the lonely, the sick, the elderly, the difficult to love, and will bring my children along, for with each afternoon visit, each ride to the doctor, each raked lawn or washed window they will have the opportunity to serve Jesus by serving the "least of these".
      I will make our home a haven of rest and retreat from the outside world and a welcomed place for my children's friends, for with each impromptu backyard soccer game, each video viewed on a rainy day, each cup of hot cocoa or chocolate chip cookie, my children will have the opportunity to practice the art of Christian hospitality thereby learning to share all God has given them.
      I will by my actions and speech let my children see a mom love their dad, for by this will my children sense family stability at a time when marriages all around them are crumbling.

Hold my heart

This song has a very special meaning to me.  It sums up perfectly how I have felt for so long.  I know that God is holding my heart and I know that in his time all of it will finally make sense.  He has a bigger plan for me than what I have for myself and he holds my destiny in his hands.  I just have to continue to be patient and learn to wait on him.  

How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait
for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm
on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You
turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of
pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking
heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're
everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my
heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip
away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking
why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my
knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping
rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the
sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can
barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and
hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises
remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To
hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea
of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking
heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're
everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my
heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart