My daddy has always held a very special place in my heart. I have always had a certain connection with him that I cant explain. There are so many times, especially now that I realize that I am so much like him. It's been almost 4 weeks since I had to say goodbye to him, I have to be honest and say that with all that I have been through in my life that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I watched him suffer with illness for several months but it actually felt like it was so much longer than that. It broke my heart so badly to watch him go through everything that he had to go through and even though I know that he is no longer suffering and is at peace I cant help but feel a little bit angry that he was taken from us so soon. It just doesnt seem right going on in my life without him. I know that it was God who called him home and I will see him again someday but it doesnt change the fact that I miss him so much. I miss his craziness....the silly voices he would use, the crazy things he would say, the way he was very blunt about everything, the way he would call me "sissy", the way he always seemed to be so grouchy :o),....I just miss everything about him.
It's weird how you watch someone you love pass away and you think that life just cant go on but with each day that passes you see how everyone has gone back to the normal routine of things almost like it never happened. I find myself haunted most of the time, day dreaming of days gone by. I keep most of it locked up inside of me because I have always been "strong" and thats how everyone knows me and I it's hard to let anyone see any different. Honestly right now what I want to do is scream and cry. My heart feels so broken and empty. There have been so many times when I have wanted to pick up the phone to check on him or sit and talk with him about the things we always talked about it.
I remember growing up how I would always turn to him with my problems and he would always tell me how things would be even before they happened. Some how daddy always knew how to make everything ok. In my eyes my daddy could fix anything and even as an adult if something broke the first person I would call was my him and he would come right over and fix it.
I have so many regrets, I regret the fact that I let life come between us in a sense, as I grew up and started a family of my own it seemed I had less and less time with him and there is noone to blame but myself. I wish I could just go back and have just a little more time, but time is not something that we can get back. I wish I could talk to him and tell him just how much I loved him. I wonder everday if that is something that he knew and my only hope is that he knew this in his heart before he passed.
His memory will live on forever with me and in my kids, they all have some sort of talent that reminds me of him and they all learned so much from him.
He was an amazing man who touched so many people in his time. I miss him more with everyday that passes. I never ever in my life thought I would lose him this soon and my heart is so very broken. I do find peace knowing where he is....he is in the arms of God and he is waiting for him family to join him when God decides its time for each of us to come home. Until then I carry him with me everywhere I go.
I miss you daddy!!!!!!!
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