Today I feel like an idiot!!

Have you ever put so much faith and belief in someone else that you lost a little bit of yourself?  That's exactly how I feel today.  I put faith and belief in someone over and over again, hoping and praying for change but after 13 months I have finally come to terms with the fact that that change will never take place.  I feel so very stupid.  I have let my kids suffer and do without and I myself have suffered, No matter how badly we all hurt I still put him first.   Others tried to warn me but did I listen?..no...I didn't.  I guess it's one of those things you have to see for yourself.  It hasn't mattered that I have lost everything because of this person, I still felt love for him in my heart and I believed that what I was showing him was a love that would pull him out of the mess he had made but I was so wrong.  It just went on and on....late night conversations...daily conversations...all with me telling him everything would be OK while deep inside things for me were not OK.  He said he would be there for me but looking back now I realize he hasn't been there for me at all...it was always him that needed to be lifted back up and I was the one who always tried to do just that.  Right now at this very time I am hurting so badly and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest yet once again by him but I think this is a time of rebirth for me, it's a time for me to finally open my eyes and see that what I need to do is take care of my kids and myself and let God do the rest.  It's hard not calling him to check on him but he made a decision, a decision he knew I was totally against, a decision that he knew was going to affect our relationship forever and he didn't care.  For the past 13 months he has put so many things before the kids and I...he has let us do without so he could do for another....he let us suffer but it didn't matter because in his eyes everything was OK and as long as he felt good then everyone felt good.  I have been so blind and so stupid.  I will never put this much into another human being, I am scarred and will always remember and be haunted by what he has done.  He ripped my entire world out from under me...he took everything I had dreamed of away except for my kids and that's the one thing no one can ever take from me.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of the way I have handled things but the only thing I can do now is pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward and not look back. It's a sad day for me because I know that it is truly the ending of part of my life.