Mixed Orientation Marriages

This is a term that I was not familiar with until my husband came out to me. We didnt really tell anyone about his "coming out" immediately because we were not sure how people would react so we kept it all a secret.  This was very hard for me because at a time when I was losing my husband I couldnt really talk to anyone because it was all still so hush hush, I felt so alone,  so while he went out to "find himself' I stayed home and turned to the computer.  I started typing in things like "my husband is gay" and what to do when your husband comes out and you would be surprised at how many resources popped up.  It is actually much more common than you could ever imagine.  This is where I discovered it was given the term Mixed Orientation Marriages...which is actually defined as a marriage in which one spouse experiences same sex attractions and the other spouse is heterosexual.  I found support groups and forums and was just dumbfounded at how many people had actually gone through this same thing.  I was led to a site called straightspouse and this is where I learned that I was not as alone as I thought I was.  I read over every single post and every response and paid close attention to every single emotion that was mentioned.  It really helped me get prepared for what was to come.  As I read for days I noticed a pattern, it seems that every spouse that comes out of the closet basically goes through the same phases...the coming out phase...the adolescent phase (which is exactly how it sounds)....and then the I want to get settled phase.  It was almost scarey to see just how many posts there were and how similar they all were.  It was a realization to the fact that so many people live life trying to hide who they really are because of the way the world we live in is.  This is something I will never understand.
I can tell you that the emotions that hit me the following days felt like a huge tornado..  I went from happy to angry to sad to numb in just a matter of minutes at times.  I felt emotions that I could not even begin to explain to anyone and it was so exhausting.  I felt as though I was in a grieving process and I guess I was, my marriage was dead and could never be brought back.  The pain was just so intense at times that I honestly felt like I couldnt breathe.  I really cant say how I made it through but I did and I did it with a determination to keep my family as together as possible. 
I still love my "husband" or STBX very much, he was my best friend for 11 years, he was my heart and he was all I knew so I could not turn my back on him.
This has not been a easy process for him (and from reading that is also normal also), when a spouse comes out most of the time its not as easy for them to enter into the world that they feel they should be living in and it comes with just as much confusion and pain as living "in the closet" does.  I have maintained a friendship with him up to this point, I have tried my best to be there for him as I always have.  I have seen him go through so much and at times my heart has broke for him, I just cant turn that love for him off.  Everything about the way we have handled this up til now has been so "out of the box" but honestly our entire marriage has been "out of the box".  We've always been kind of different with the way we have done everything.  I dont hate him, I hate what has happened ....but not him.  I hold so many precious memories in my heart of our life together as husband and wife and we created the most beautiful children I could've ever ask for.  Even though I am losing him I have gained so very much. 
So many people ask me how I do this, how I handle things the way I do.  All I can say is I have learned more about strength and faith in the past 7 months then I have my entire life.  I know that everything happens for a reason and even though I may not know that reason right now I know that God has something else planned for me.  I have no regrets and if given the chance I would go back and do it all over again, I would relive every single moment. 
Do I wish this would've never happened?  Absolutely...everything I thought I had planned out for my life has been completely jumbled and tossed about but there is nothing that I can do about it....except keep living and accept what has happened and also accept whats to come.  

Family?

Every morning I basically follow the same routine.  I get my kids up for school, help them pick out their clothes, do a load of laundry, get their bags together and get them out the door. Every morning I drive them to school and every morning I pass familys, together, walking their kids to school and every morning I end up in tears.  This is the hardest part of all of this, I miss my family.  We used to do things together, we used to enjoy each other and now its completely gone.  How do I get past this?  How do I pick these pieces up and move forward?  The kids wish for it every day and I find them bringing up the past more and more.  They like to talk about good times that we have all had together and I figure its just their way of dealing with all of this change.  It's so hard and I just wonder if I will ever completely heal from losing what I thought I would have forever?  I feel as though my heart has been broken into millions of little pieces, my life has been shattered.  I never pictured myself as a single mom but reality sure hits hard when it hits doesnt it? 
 

The "coming out"

March 13, 2010 was a Saturday...a normal Saturday in our household...Or so I thought?  Well....it turned out to be a total night from hell and I relive that night every single day.  I can not even begin to explain it and like I have said before, until you live this one moment you can never fully know exactly what if feels like and honestly I would never wish these feelings on anyone. 
This is the night my husband decided to "come out" to me.  He told me that after all this time he figured out why he wasnt attracted to me anymore...it was because he was gay.  When he told me I just sat there, no emotions at all, I just sat there.  The question that I get asked the most is "didnt you have some clue through all these years?" and honestly?.. yes I did, but it was just a small thought in the back of my head.  From the day we met we had a normal relationship, we dated and fell in love and did all of the things  people in love do.  Im not kidding when I say everything was normal...EVERYTHING!!  We married and started a family.  We spent all of our time together and we barely ever really had a disagreement and anything we did we enjoyed together, so you see I really honestly thought that this day would never come.  I thought we would grow old together, I thought that we would watch our babies grow up together, I thought that we would always be that "happy" family.  We always talked about the future and what it held for us and never once did it include breaking up our family.  So....this night was a total shocker for me. 
The first thing in my mind was " ok, now we know you are gay but are you willing to stay committed to the family or do you need to go out and explore this new found lifestyle?".  I was prepared to do anything at the time to keep my family together.  My biggest concern was my kids getting hurt and as a mother all I wanted to do was protect them.  Well...he made his choice and he immediately went out to explore this new identity and left me to try and figure everything else out.  I still love him very much but with each passing day I begin to realize that after all this time of thinking I knew him I really dont know if I know him at all.  He becomes more and more of a stranger everyday.  It hurts but after 7 months I know its time to really fully let go and move on with my life and quit trying to hold on to what little peice of him that I can.  Thats exactly what I have tried to do...keep just a small piece of him around.  I thought that would keep me content but I feel like small chunk of that piece breaks off more and more everyday and I am so close to losing him completely.  I just have to let him go and let him be happy and figure out what the future holds for the me and the kids.  I just wish it were easier, some magic answer to it all but theres not and thats just something I have to deal with. 
 

Thought to Ponder

For just one second, take a step back and think about this question.  What would you do if your spouse came to you and told you they no longer felt attracted to you because they were gay?  How would you handle this?  Is this something you are truly ever ready for?  I always told myself that if my husband left me that I would much rather it be for another man than a woman...but you know what?  Either way it doesn't make it any easier at all.  It hurts just as bad.  I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  11 years of marriage, of trust, of love, of building a family and a life...all for what?  So he could just walk away because he decided he was living a lie.  How is it a lie if he was happy?  We were happy. 
I try so hard to make myself understand, I try to remember that God is the one that is in control of my destiny but it's so very hard to hold onto faith when you feel everyday is just another day to try and make it.  I have found strength I never ever thought I could've had but I have drawn that strength from my babies.  They are my life and they have lost something that is so very dear to them. 
There are moments when I feel that I am at piece with this and then there are moments that I feel as if I am reliving the same nightmare all over again.  Can I do this?  Sometimes I feel...yes I can but some days I'm just not so sure. 

Change

The year 2010 is the year that my families life was altered for forever.  Every dream, every hope and every plan I had ever made about my future was completely  shattered.  I am still picking up the pieces and trying my best to put them back together but up til this point it hasn't been easy.  This is when I wish there were some sort of button I could push just to make everything OK.  I feel like through everything I have been through this year I have been broken down, but broken down with a purpose, a purpose to be built back up and made strong enough to share everything I have been through with the hopes of helping someone like myself.  I am not a professional writer and I am not a counselor but I am someone who has been dealt a hard blow and who has made it through so far and is still moving forward.  I still don't know what God himself has planned for my life but I'm holding onto faith and hope that he will soon see fit to lead me in the direction that he would have me to go.  I have been broken but broken with a purpose and even though I still don't know what that purpose is I'm sure in the end it will be something totally beautiful...