March 13, 2010 was a Saturday...a normal Saturday in our household...Or so I thought? Well....it turned out to be a total night from hell and I relive that night every single day. I can not even begin to explain it and like I have said before, until you live this one moment you can never fully know exactly what if feels like and honestly I would never wish these feelings on anyone.
This is the night my husband decided to "come out" to me. He told me that after all this time he figured out why he wasnt attracted to me anymore...it was because he was gay. When he told me I just sat there, no emotions at all, I just sat there. The question that I get asked the most is "didnt you have some clue through all these years?" and honestly?.. yes I did, but it was just a small thought in the back of my head. From the day we met we had a normal relationship, we dated and fell in love and did all of the things people in love do. Im not kidding when I say everything was normal...EVERYTHING!! We married and started a family. We spent all of our time together and we barely ever really had a disagreement and anything we did we enjoyed together, so you see I really honestly thought that this day would never come. I thought we would grow old together, I thought that we would watch our babies grow up together, I thought that we would always be that "happy" family. We always talked about the future and what it held for us and never once did it include breaking up our family. So....this night was a total shocker for me.
The first thing in my mind was " ok, now we know you are gay but are you willing to stay committed to the family or do you need to go out and explore this new found lifestyle?". I was prepared to do anything at the time to keep my family together. My biggest concern was my kids getting hurt and as a mother all I wanted to do was protect them. Well...he made his choice and he immediately went out to explore this new identity and left me to try and figure everything else out. I still love him very much but with each passing day I begin to realize that after all this time of thinking I knew him I really dont know if I know him at all. He becomes more and more of a stranger everyday. It hurts but after 7 months I know its time to really fully let go and move on with my life and quit trying to hold on to what little peice of him that I can. Thats exactly what I have tried to do...keep just a small piece of him around. I thought that would keep me content but I feel like small chunk of that piece breaks off more and more everyday and I am so close to losing him completely. I just have to let him go and let him be happy and figure out what the future holds for the me and the kids. I just wish it were easier, some magic answer to it all but theres not and thats just something I have to deal with.
2 comments:
Hi Kimber,
I wish you all the luck in the world. I am the gay husband in my relationship. My wife and I have made a commitment to try to work it out and stay together. So far it hasd been four years and we are doing ok.
Chris
Wow...I have not been checking my blog that often. I never even imagined anyone would even read it or comment. It's something I started to try and help myself kind of cope but also to try and let others know that things can be ok. It's not been an easy road so far but I have managed to keep a relationship with my STBX...we were the best of friends to start with and we still maintain that friendship. He decided not to stay commited and that what was best for him was to explore his new found self and the only thing I could do was let him go. Which, after 11 years of marriage was very very hard for me. Everything for us has always been so "out of the box" and for the longest time we managed to make this work as well. Things have not been so good lately but I just keep hoping that they will get better. I dont thin It has been as easy for him as he thought it was going to be. I have watched him go through so many crazy emotions and at times I think he just feels so lost. I just wish he would've stayed with us, I was fully prepared to continue life as we knew it, honestly we really were happy as a family. I fully understand that he's gay but I do believe that he loved me and I just dont get why he had to leave. I dont know that I will ever understand but I do know that we created 4 beautiful children together and it's just so important for them to have both of us in their lives.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read here. I know my thoughts are a bit jumbled and all over the place and I dont get to write much. I have met people who have gone through this but they have been the ones who were left by a gay spouse but I have never gotten the chance to actually talk to the gay spouse. Im really glad to hear that you all are doing ok and I hope that you can continue to keep your relationship strong keep moving forward.
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